Lean in
Lean in
Adrian and I have been going for walks.
While walking has been a daily practice of mine for years, Adrian is just returning to it. But he walks fast. Like really fast, so that I can barely catch up. And if you saw him walk you wouldn’t think he was moving so quickly, he looks easy and relaxed in his movement.
Me being who I am, I have to analyze this. Why can’t I walk that fast? There are some mechanics, he has longer legs, more weight in his shoulders to move him along where I am dragging my butt. (Literally… )
But the other day I had an AHA moment, it is more than just these factors..When he walks he just… leans in. He leans in to where he is going with his weight and focus and just goes there. I noticed my own forward momentum is filled with holding back, a sense of go and stop at the same time. As I walked I felt a tension pulling me back even as I was moving forward.
It reminds me of this RILKE QUOTE, translated by Gary Miranda.
“Don’t think I’m courting you. And even if I were, Angel, you wouldn't come. For my mating call is always full of “Go Back!” Against such a strong current, you couldn't make any headway. My call is like an outstretched arm. And though its open hand reaches up to grasp even you, the inapprehensible, it remains in front of you- as defense and warning- open, wide open.”
The Core Energetics Character Defense systems have several different names and associations, one of which is defined by the energetic holding pattern of the individual.
Holding together, Holding on, Holding in, Holding up, and Holding back.
Holding back is what I most relate to. This was first made clear when my back literally went out in a particularly challenging time in my life. Through deep processing and support I came to really FEEL and understand the way I ATTEMPTED TO HOLD BACK from the currents of life moving through me. (We can never fully stop these currents, no matter how hard we try, and it is the trying hard to control them that often throws us into crisis.)
I like to believe I have worked through a lot of this pattern, but we are always spiraling through aspects of our healing. Now it shows in these small ways, these forgotten habits, like in walking- I hold back. I move forward with reserve and tension, I resist and persist at the same time (and not in a good way!)
When I was about 21 I went skiing for the first time. I pointed my skis downhill and with a little guidance was able to quickly find the most efficient body position and work with it. Skiing felt easy and natural… until I built some speed. It became a fine line between fun and fear. As I went faster and faster moving downhill I forgot the efficient form, resisted the flow and eventually crashed on purpose.
When momentum builds and the life current is moving, we face our fear of speed, form, efficiency and, yes, success. For me- crashing and starting over is familiar. Leaning in to the processes that are going well.. That, for me, is the challenge.
Leaning in does not always mean going forward either, it means leaning in to whatever it is. To the rest, to the review, to the consideration, as well as to the action, to the leap, to the plunge. To the walk.
Where do you keep your energy? Up, down, at the edges, in the back, or front. Do you grip it? What habits of holding are based around fear?
In a simple way, what would happen if you lean in? To this moment, to your needs, to life? Where are you keeping the emergency brake on while also trying to drive the car? What support can gravity and the earth offer so that you may lean in?
There is momentum we can ride. Momentum we drive through our focus. Life that is waiting for us to lean in.