dissolve if you can....
The astrologer said it would intensify…”you know the workshop you teach- Dissolving the I? Well you are going to be Dissolving the I all over the place!”
Oh no.
The “I” referred to here is that edge of defense, but also of familiar connection. It is a comfortable extension of how I meet others. And if I dissolve it, I worry… What will we talk about?
I have noticed a pattern, when I want to connect with someone I often begin with what is wrong. With what is not going well, or stressing me out.
Why do I do this?
Certainly habit, culture, modeling. Certainly as a (at times) very broody scorpio I have worn a badge of darkness. Don’t bring ME your sunshine and roses!
To be clear, I am not speaking of reaching out when I am in distress and need an ear, a hug, or advice. That act tends to be specific, focused and invaluable. There is a lot of energy and emotion behind the words. Those conversations are transformational, and they don’t repeat.
What I mean is more of a compulsion to complain. To report a gathered list of life’s general problems. When I speak, my voice is less charged, droning, more mundane. I am not looking for a solution, and it does not lead to deeper conversation. This laundry list of woes lives in my mask self. And funnily enough it is the flip side of the mask part that says, I am fine, just fine. The mask, in Core Energetics, is the least charged and most patterned aspect of our energy system.
In my coaching program we often begin our sessions by sharing our wins. By sharing what is going well, no matter how big or small. Sometimes in these moments I freeze up, my mind goes blank and numb. As if some part of my body and psyche perceives danger in this activity. I often think.. Let me just tell you all my problems instead…
So after I move beyond the fear in my body, a little older, more “sophisticated” version of myself kicks in.. holding the voice of judgment. Don't brag, it says, you will be seen as an egomaniac. Be self effacing, it is better. This part always cares what others think.
I become strangely loyal to the problems and the part of me that complains. If I give this up, who will I be? How will I connect?
Geezzzz…
I have learned this is called negative bias, our tendency to track and give attention to the negative experiences and play them louder and larger in our system. A response designed to help us survive, but not to thrive.
My clients are often at the receiving end of what I am working with. To experiment, I have begun to point out their wins to them, and pause to celebrate. (Easier to do for them, then for myself!) It is amazing at how quickly they will skirt over some very significant growth! There is sometimes a shock, a fear of owning it, and then a timid joy in their eyes.
There is a check-in that comes from dance artist Anna Halprin; “I am ok, and…….”, “I am ok, but…..” When I have done this in the past it lends itself to a balance, and to realness.
I ask myself now, Am I bold enough to be real, and even more than that, to be joyful? To be seen and known in this way? Am I willing to share what is going well with me? To be celebratory about the infinite gifts that life offers? Even in the face of all that is challenging about our world… Am I ready to turn my view and share my light?
The life task of a Scorpio, which we all have somewhere within us, is to come out of the cave. To evolve from the instinctual stinging scorpion living in the darkness, to the high flying eagle in the sun with a wide and broad view. Then to evolve again into the phoenix, burning, releasing and transforming, shedding identity, making room for something unknown.. It is dissolving the I into radiant emptiness. It is “dissolving the I all over the place…”
So the next time we talk, I may just tell you how right things are going….